best friend vs. girlfriend (Part 1)

no, this is not the typical story of best friends that fell in love with each other. some may not agree with me, but yes, a boy and a girl CAN be best friends and remain just that.

it all started almost four years ago. I was a college freshman who grew in the province and eventually moved to the big city for college. typical, yes. but unlike others, i'm used to being away from my family since from high school i was already staying in a dormitory away from my family. but it doesn't mean i won't have that butterfly-in-my-stomach feeling for the first day of school.

i thought i was early for class since it starts at 1pm, and i was already there by 12:45pm. a bit hesitant to enter the room, but when i did, almost all chairs were already occupied, filled with excited students and mostly in pairs or groups. avoiding any more attention and feeling more awkward than ever, i sat at the nearest vacant seat without looking around. moving shyly, i settled in and i hated myself for not looking around in the first place for i was completely surrounded by guys! too late to transfer seat, i just kept quiet while everyone's getting acquainted.

then this one guy reached out his hand to me. at first i was shocked for i thought he was my ex-boyfriend. it took me a minute to put things together that he could not be the same guy since my ex moved to Australia and that he was different. he introduced himself not only to me but to everyone and he eventually became our class president. well, he is likable so no wonder he got the votes. while i remained as the tall, awkward girl.

so for some unknown reason, we became good friends. we got each other's cellphone numbers and email addresses and eventually talk to each other a lot. no, there was nothing going on between us. in front of our classmates, we talk casually, but behind them, we TALK and got to know each other more. we became even closer when during our sophomore and junior years, i became the class vice president while he's still the president. and btw, his name is Carlo.

Carlo is tall, has that boyish charm that makes him easily noticeable among a crowd, with a rather fit body. although many would take him as the serious looking guy, he has that smile that can lighten up your mood. while i'm the tall, fair-skinned girl with chinky eyes who's almost always beside him. yes, we were seen almost always together.

having a boy as a best friend is amazing! you feel protected all the time. you can tell him secrets and not worry about him telling to everyone. you can go home late and not worry about being alone 'cause he will always bring you home safely. you can get really really drunk and not worry about other guys taking advantage of you because you know he is just around you, protecting you. and if he's the one who's completely drunk and wasted, i 'm the one in-charge. it's a win-win situation. it's just like having a boyfriend; without the romantic attachments.

as time passed, we really got to know each other very well. we even travelled together a lot. there was even a time when he came home with me to the province and eventually met my family. yes, he went there alone, for a vacation. and i also got the chance to visit his province and meet his whole family as well. we even went shopping together a lot. when he has no clothes to wear for a party, he would always run to me for help in "dressing him". we also reached many places together (just the two of us and often with other friends as well). we attended concerts together. and yes, all of these happened without any romantic involvement maybe because both of us has a special someone and even give each other advises.

we also had some rough times together. there were times when he can really be insensitive and irritate me. i would not talk to him and ignore him and he'll sense my annoyance and would eventually make an effort to ease my mood. yes, we've already been through thick and thin.


(this has already been too long so i decided to cut the story in half. next part is the heart-breaking story part that leaves me crying and seeking the help of a priest!)

LOVE IS LIKE A VASE

Let me share to you my friend's comparison of a vase with love. I share this simply because it somehow depicts my story as well.

You are my best friend and I am in love with you. With that, I compare you to a vase. Why a vase you may ask?
You are like this delicately created vase, so beautiful yet so fragile, and is there only for display and not for me to own. It's like, I have this intense desire to buy and own you from that shelf where you sit, but I am too afraid that if I "purchase" you, I might not be able to give you the proper care that you deserve. I might just break you, deprive you of the elegance you once had and lose you forever.
But at the same time, I'm greatly terrified that if I just let you sit on that shelf, someone else might took notice you and claim you as his, thus, deprive me from enjoying your presence.
It took me a really long time to decide, but eventually I decided to buy that vase and make sure to make extra efforts in taking care of it. And I was already at the cashier, sure as ever about the great decision I'm about to do. But then, I was too late, someone else had already "purchased" you. And I'm just a minute too late.

a sense of optimism

"Epic failure is not an option."

-Dr. Ivan Tanodra

My professor in Pharmacology placed that quotation in our final exam paper. It might sound stupid to some but that line really left an impression on me. I am not sure if I'll be able to pass all of my subjects this semester, and as what my professor said, epic failure is not an option coz if I fail even just one subject out of eight, I won't make it to the internship program and be delay for at least one semester.

And as I mentioned in my previous blog, my parents have too much expectations from me, and I'm afraid to fail them, especially now.

Right now, I am worried about 3 subjects-BB, CM and SI; never mind the meaning of those acronyms, just know that they are VERY difficult.

I did what I can now all I can do is hope. Hope that my professors will see that I do deserve to belong to the internship program and that I won't let them down if given the chance.

So what I need now, more that ever, is a sense of optimism. I've tried talking to some of my professors but they won't answer me regarding my inquiries about my status in their class. Although this depresses me a lot, I believe in the law of attraction and now am trying to attract some positivity. I know this is not as easy as it may seem since i am greatly surrounded by negative vibes as of now. So maybe if I'm able to straighten my thoughts and calm myself down, I'd be able to think clearly and who knows. maybe my professors are kind enough to let me through this sem.

who i am in the past doesn't define me today.

i used to be the achiever, done some awesome things that not all people are capable of doing--without breaking a sweat! finished high school without getting in trouble and on top of that, graduated with some awards. also have this awesome guy who is always there for me.

i knew how to make the right decisions and how to fight for them. and among my siblings, i have the highest expectations from my parents.

and i have no vices then.

i've built a reputation that i can achieve anything if i put my full focus on it.

but that was before. now, everything is different.

i always try to push myself to the limit, but for some reason, i seldom get what i was aiming for.

i find myself desperately reaching for things. i now fail some of my classes. i don't get rewards anymore but instead i'm in all kinds of trouble now. i've cheated with my guy with another friend of mine and ended up losing both of them; now i have no one. to make things worse,  my judgement is so clouded that i am always confused!

whenever upset, i find my self drunk. and yes, i am almost always upset lately.

misery is indeed a friend, once you came into contact with it, it'll almost always never leave you.

so what happened to me? from the ideal girl/daughter became this girl full of uncertainties.

that is the thing i am trying to resolve right now. i tried talking to some of my friends about this, and they would never believe me that i am lost with my tracks; maybe i have such a reputation then that it is so hard to renew myself now, which added more pressure on my part.

i want my former self back! i want to be that girl with determination and clear path ahead.

but doing that is a great challenge now since almost all the pieces of the puzzle is almost complete. i have a minimal room for change and error is no longer an option!

i just hope that i still have the chance to correct things and that people will no longer judge me be based on my past but just see me as who i am right now; the girl who's trying her best to get things done. and that people will just accept and not judge me anymore.

why life is never fair.

sometimes, no matter how we try to control everything, there are just things that other people have control over you, people who are capable of out-powering you and are not afraid to take advantage of that.

you try to do the right thing but you are misunderstood, especially by people who are mad and overly emotional.

you try to be responsible but people see you as someone who is just too bossy.

you try to keep things in order but you are just being too obsessively compulsive to some.

you try to just let things be then you become too passive to a few.

you try to keep track of the person you love and you become too possessive in their eyes,

you trust your partner enough to don't mind their business and ends up being the one who doesn't care.

you try to study for that exam and you become TOO grade conscious

you slack then you become the lazy, unproductive kid.

let's just face it, no matter how hard we try, we simply can't please everyone. it is just impossible. there will always be those people who will hate us for being ourselves. and the world is never fair. you could do the right thing, the responsible thing and speak the truth yet to the eyes of one person, none of the things you do is rational. and if you're really unlucky, like my case now, that someone can hold back/delay you from achieving your goals. then your fate depends totally to the mercy of that person and all you can do is humble yourself and hope that in the end, things will work out alright.

yes, the world is never fair. it favors mostly those who are in power and leaves the weak weeping.

losing you wasn't part of the plan.

he was always there,

always ready to listen,

always caring,

and always loving.

but i neglected him...

pushed him away

and even told him that i didn't care...

all because i was afraid!

but he stayed with me through it all

stayed for almost 4 years

constantly reminding me that he is just there whenever i need him

and promised that he's willing to wait; and i believed him!

then he disappeared.

just when i was about to tell him that im no longer scared

that im willing to risk getting hurt

and step out of my comfort zone

i already love him deeply.

but i guess things got out of control

i might have pushed him too hard

he no longer talks to me

and i finally lost him

never thought it'll hurt this much

never thought karma was for real

never thought the day would come that he will no longer be beside me

and i never thought i'd lose him

and losing him was definitely not part f the plan.