LOSING SOMEONE

When you're in college, you get to meet a variety of people in your life and if you're lucky enough, you'll meet someone who will be more than just a classmate, but someone who'll become your friend and if you're really lucky, you'll even treat each other as brothers/sisters. Well I guess I am not just lucky but also very blessed to have met not just one but a whole bunch of people whom I can consider as my extended family, the GMT Family.

For four years we have been through thick and thin already. We've helped each other in every possible way, yes we always have each other's back. And when the whole class or even someone achieved something big, we celebrate it like any other college students would do, party 'till dawn and drink like there's no tomorrow and altogether we'd get hangover. Some would expect that after graduation, our bond as a family would eventually be gone due to the different paths we'll take; some would start working, return to their province and others pursue with Med school or get a master's degree. It's a fact we all dread to come true, but we proved them wrong. Our family kept that bond and amazes everyone in our batch. Yes, you don't leave behind a family member, as Stitch would say, "Family means nobody gets left behind."

And as with every class, there would always be a clown, the extremely, almost abnormal way of being jolly person. That would be Ed in ours. He's the type of person who'll always smile at you. He even got the reputation of being such a slack from our professors, only because you'll never see him get stressed out even if everyone's all looking like zombies. He'd always cheer you up, and will literally never fail to replace your frowns with a smile. And he never ran out of pranks in his sleeves, he'll always surprise you in the most unexpected ways. He is the type of person who made an impact on everyone he touched. He was our brother.

No, I am not wrong about using all the past tense in this entry. As almost everyone, I was extremely shocked when I woke up this morning and read all the text messages informing me of his death the previous night. At first, I thought that it was just a horrible joke, but I know that no one, especially from our GMT family would make such joke. So a few more minutes in bed, just staring blankly in the ceiling, I cried. I cried as much like I did when I first lost a family member (my grandmother). And I just thought and hoped, that it was all just a joke. That he made the biggest prank ever and that soon we'll just laugh about it. But it's not a prank, and he really was gone.

What happened you may ask? We really don't know the main reason for his death. But during our last year in college, he was confined in the hospital for he had a heart attack. Yes, young indeed for he was only 19 years old then. But when we visited him, he was still so happy. He even made a joke about being the youngest patient in the record of the hospital who was admitted for a myocardial infarction. Then just after graduation, during his first year in Med school (yes, he was one of those who pursue Med), he informed us that polyps were found in his stomach but still were not yet final either benign or cancerous. Then not long, he had ulcer and later on informed us that the polyps were also found in his lungs. During those times, he'd never let you see how worried he was, he just don't like that. There was even a time during our board exam (undergrad degree) that he made his sickness an example of acquiring B phenomenon; I won't elaborate on that but the point is, he never saw his sickness as something that would stop him from achieving his dreams. He was a small man with big dreams, you know. But eventually, he had to stop from Med school to attend to his health first. That's it. Just a few more weeks after he dropped out of Med school, I got this horrible news about his passing away. We still don't know the cause but they said it could have been a multiple organ failure, but we still have to hear about the final autopsy report.

Life is never easy to understand. He was so young, 20 years old to be exact. He was just starting to really live his life. But one thing is for sure, he touched the lives of everyone around him. He made us realize to not take anyone for granted, to really live life while we can. Indeed, you'll never know when someone or even yourself will dye.

To Ed, our classmate, friend and brother, you will forever be with us. We will miss you so much little boy! May you rest in peace. WE LOVE YOU!

Ever feel like you're in the wrong place?

 Well I certainly have. If you have read my previous blogs, you'll know that that I took up a pre-med program for my undergrad studies. Pre-med, yes because almost all people that takes that program proceeds to Medicine, as what most of my friends have done and what I haven't. I did not proceed primarily because I was still not sure if I really want to become a doctor and secondly because I wanted a break after years of nonstop studying.

Anyway, my college friends and I have been so close that we almost consider each other as brothers and sisters. And since most of us will be going our separate ways, we promised to one another that we will still see each other, if our schedules would permit us. And yes, 4 months have passed and we are still keeping that promise, but I think I can't keep it that long. Why? It's because every time my friends and I would meet, I almost always feel out of place. As I said, most of them are Med students now and of course, after all the catching ups, they would resort in discussing school-related things. And obviously, I can not relate to a single thing they are discussing. My friends aren't that insensitive and would notice from time to time that me and some of our non-med student friends are already getting bored with the conversation and they would stop. But only for a few minutes and then back to the same topic. I have never felt so awkward and out of place all my life!

But to my really close friends, going out is not a problem until my best friend, yes from my previous blog--C, invited me to watch the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. Of course I was thrilled since we have been waiting for that movie to be shown in the cinema! But my excitement were soon gone when I learned that his new friends (med students) would be there as well. So I just made some lame excuse that I can't make it. Yes, I know that this would be the first of the many excuses that I have to make to not show up. And I felt awful, but not as awful when I saw the pictures he uploaded after the show and saw how happy he was with his new friends and soon-to-be-colleagues. Oh my, it really was a good thing that I ditched him, or else I'd be feeling more out of place more than ever!

I miss my friends and I definitely love them but it's just starting to sink-in to me that I am no longer among them. They are starting to create a world different from mine and I must accept the hurtful fact that I cannot be a big part of that, that I'm outside the circle, just observing them develop to this respected doctors that one day I have to pay for any health consultations. Life is cruel.

why life is never fair.

sometimes, no matter how we try to control everything, there are just things that other people have control over you, people who are capable of out-powering you and are not afraid to take advantage of that.

you try to do the right thing but you are misunderstood, especially by people who are mad and overly emotional.

you try to be responsible but people see you as someone who is just too bossy.

you try to keep things in order but you are just being too obsessively compulsive to some.

you try to just let things be then you become too passive to a few.

you try to keep track of the person you love and you become too possessive in their eyes,

you trust your partner enough to don't mind their business and ends up being the one who doesn't care.

you try to study for that exam and you become TOO grade conscious

you slack then you become the lazy, unproductive kid.

let's just face it, no matter how hard we try, we simply can't please everyone. it is just impossible. there will always be those people who will hate us for being ourselves. and the world is never fair. you could do the right thing, the responsible thing and speak the truth yet to the eyes of one person, none of the things you do is rational. and if you're really unlucky, like my case now, that someone can hold back/delay you from achieving your goals. then your fate depends totally to the mercy of that person and all you can do is humble yourself and hope that in the end, things will work out alright.

yes, the world is never fair. it favors mostly those who are in power and leaves the weak weeping.