a sense of optimism

"Epic failure is not an option."

-Dr. Ivan Tanodra

My professor in Pharmacology placed that quotation in our final exam paper. It might sound stupid to some but that line really left an impression on me. I am not sure if I'll be able to pass all of my subjects this semester, and as what my professor said, epic failure is not an option coz if I fail even just one subject out of eight, I won't make it to the internship program and be delay for at least one semester.

And as I mentioned in my previous blog, my parents have too much expectations from me, and I'm afraid to fail them, especially now.

Right now, I am worried about 3 subjects-BB, CM and SI; never mind the meaning of those acronyms, just know that they are VERY difficult.

I did what I can now all I can do is hope. Hope that my professors will see that I do deserve to belong to the internship program and that I won't let them down if given the chance.

So what I need now, more that ever, is a sense of optimism. I've tried talking to some of my professors but they won't answer me regarding my inquiries about my status in their class. Although this depresses me a lot, I believe in the law of attraction and now am trying to attract some positivity. I know this is not as easy as it may seem since i am greatly surrounded by negative vibes as of now. So maybe if I'm able to straighten my thoughts and calm myself down, I'd be able to think clearly and who knows. maybe my professors are kind enough to let me through this sem.

who i am in the past doesn't define me today.

i used to be the achiever, done some awesome things that not all people are capable of doing--without breaking a sweat! finished high school without getting in trouble and on top of that, graduated with some awards. also have this awesome guy who is always there for me.

i knew how to make the right decisions and how to fight for them. and among my siblings, i have the highest expectations from my parents.

and i have no vices then.

i've built a reputation that i can achieve anything if i put my full focus on it.

but that was before. now, everything is different.

i always try to push myself to the limit, but for some reason, i seldom get what i was aiming for.

i find myself desperately reaching for things. i now fail some of my classes. i don't get rewards anymore but instead i'm in all kinds of trouble now. i've cheated with my guy with another friend of mine and ended up losing both of them; now i have no one. to make things worse,  my judgement is so clouded that i am always confused!

whenever upset, i find my self drunk. and yes, i am almost always upset lately.

misery is indeed a friend, once you came into contact with it, it'll almost always never leave you.

so what happened to me? from the ideal girl/daughter became this girl full of uncertainties.

that is the thing i am trying to resolve right now. i tried talking to some of my friends about this, and they would never believe me that i am lost with my tracks; maybe i have such a reputation then that it is so hard to renew myself now, which added more pressure on my part.

i want my former self back! i want to be that girl with determination and clear path ahead.

but doing that is a great challenge now since almost all the pieces of the puzzle is almost complete. i have a minimal room for change and error is no longer an option!

i just hope that i still have the chance to correct things and that people will no longer judge me be based on my past but just see me as who i am right now; the girl who's trying her best to get things done. and that people will just accept and not judge me anymore.

why life is never fair.

sometimes, no matter how we try to control everything, there are just things that other people have control over you, people who are capable of out-powering you and are not afraid to take advantage of that.

you try to do the right thing but you are misunderstood, especially by people who are mad and overly emotional.

you try to be responsible but people see you as someone who is just too bossy.

you try to keep things in order but you are just being too obsessively compulsive to some.

you try to just let things be then you become too passive to a few.

you try to keep track of the person you love and you become too possessive in their eyes,

you trust your partner enough to don't mind their business and ends up being the one who doesn't care.

you try to study for that exam and you become TOO grade conscious

you slack then you become the lazy, unproductive kid.

let's just face it, no matter how hard we try, we simply can't please everyone. it is just impossible. there will always be those people who will hate us for being ourselves. and the world is never fair. you could do the right thing, the responsible thing and speak the truth yet to the eyes of one person, none of the things you do is rational. and if you're really unlucky, like my case now, that someone can hold back/delay you from achieving your goals. then your fate depends totally to the mercy of that person and all you can do is humble yourself and hope that in the end, things will work out alright.

yes, the world is never fair. it favors mostly those who are in power and leaves the weak weeping.