I BROKE MY OWN HEART...

It's funny how life plays with you sometimes. Life gives you your Prince Charming but not in the most perfect moment and time. Yes, I believe I've met mine already, but unfortunately, I've lost him as well. Our story started exactly 7 years and 1 month ago; June of 2005.

Let me just warn you before you go on reading that this will be a really long entry since I am pouring out everything here. Yes, this will also serve as my confession.

JUNE 2005. It was our first day as sophomores in high school and word has it that there were transferees in our class. Curious, of course I was on lookout as to who they were and it wasn't that hard 'coz for some reason, the chairs were set to the sides of the room, creating a U-shape and leaving a big place at the center--perfect for introducing yourself in front of the class..yehey(?!) So anyway, as I said it wasn't hard to look for them and one of them really caught my attention. (For the sake of the story, let's call him "B"). Okay I admit, he was instantly my crush then. He was tall, has chinky eyes (which I oddly find cute), has this serious face and has this really deep calming voice. As I said, he was a transferee then so he and the others obviously has to stand in front of the room and introduce themselves. That's when I learned his name...B.

Of course, since it was just the start of the school year, in every subject we have to be arranged according to our group..for the whole year! And surprise surprise, we were almost always in the same group. Even on the first group we were in, people were already teasing us, which I just oddly ignored. Although we were group mates in almost all subjects, we never really talk until our class adviser arranged us as seat mates since he found B as a shy boy and since I was the outgoing one, I might be able to get him out of his shell, he said. We did not instantly 'clicked' as friends but it wasn't that long before we got to know each other either. Our bond grew because of arguing and as nerdy as it may sound, but it was through our exercises in Algebra. We would compete in solving, as to who'd get the correct answer first and we would even create our own formulas! Yes, we were that good at Algebra.

But life hasn't been that good to me then. As things were going great in school, things were the opposite in our home. It all started in August, when my Grandmother (father's side) got so ill and died. After her death, our family almost got shattered. Issues about a third party in my parents' marriage surfaced and all sorts of crazy things. My parents would argue a lot. With my brother away (he was already in college then), it left me as the eldest child in our home and I felt the responsibility of protecting my 2 younger sisters from witnessing any of the fight that's happening. So whenever my folks would start arguing, and it happened almost everyday, I made sure to bring my sisters to my uncle's house first. While they were away, it has been part of the argument to call me and would fight in front of me. Why? Because they wanted to get my side. I was just 13 then and you just can't imagine how tough it has been for me; to absorb everything and have no outlet. Since then, my view about life and love have changed. I mean, witnessing your parents argue and hurt each other. They were married for years and had 4 children, if it can happen to them, it can happen to anyone...right?

So I was in and out of school for about two weeks, luckily one of the teachers in my school is a good family friend so she talked to my teachers, told them that I was ill (just an excuse of course).

I came back a different person. My view in life was different. I became cold-hearted. But I didn't let any of my friends know my situation. I didn't want to be pitied at! I looked at them with a smile and that's when I also learned that I am very good at hiding my emotions, that's also the time I learned to laugh a lot. Yes, I turned off my emotions then and looking back now, that's when I lost interest in B as well. Little that I know, that as I went about with my life, people around me were observing my every move. I was so "numb" back then that I didn't realize that B was already showing his admirations to me. Everybody knew, even my teachers knew, but I was completely clueless!!

2006. For most, it's just another school year. For me, it was a chance to start all over. I also learned that my friends (and B) and I were assigned to different sections. Instead of being sad about it, I made myself busy. I joined different organizations and became an officer of most clubs that I signed in. I also met a lot of people and made some new friends. I became active and just did anything that would deprive me of free time---time to think about our deteriorating family. Then came July. We were organizing a ball for a school and of course, I was an active member of the committee. As I worked my ass off, my friends were all busy looking for dates...and I didn't care even for a bit. I wasn't even thinking of it until one of my friend asked me who'd be taking me to the ball. My reaction was, "Date? I don't have time for that! Besides, I'll be busy the whole night. So no thanks!" But he insisted and asked about my ideal date. It made me stop and I thought of B. But of course I did not tell him. I just said, someone who's taller than me (since I'm a bit tall), has chinky eyes, has to be kind, smells good (and yes, B always smells nice) and charming as well---yes, I was actually describing B to him. To my surprise, he said someone wants to date me to the ball that fits perfectly to my descriptions, except the charming part he joked. It made me think of who it was for a short bit, but soon concluded that he was just fooling around and that no one would want to date me, especially B. 

So that night, I was, as expected, busy that I actually forgot what my friend just told me until he blocked my way and asked if I was already ready to meet my so-called admirer. I just laughed at him and turn away but he shouted to me that I must, at all times, always check my phone for something will happen. Again, I just laughed at him. The night was almost coming to its end, and as a tradition, we always play the sweet songs at the end to give way to the couples present. By then, I was already tired and I was looking for some drinking water. So I saw one of my new friends and asked him to help me find water outside the venue because I wanted to walk a bit as well. Carelessly, I left my phone in my bag inside the venue and went outside for a stroll. We were just recalling the things that happened during the event when I suddenly remembered my phone! So I hurriedly asked him that we go back to the venue ASAP. But as I said, I went out carelessly leaving behind my ID as well so I was not allowed to go back in again. So at the stairs, my friend decided to stay with me outside and together we were like two homeless people sitting there, listening as they play the love songs, signifying that the end of the night is near. I just smiled and leaned on my friend's shoulder thinking of how stupid was I to believe that someone would actually date me. Few more songs and the ball was officially over and people started flooding the stairs. Of the first people to be out were my friends and B, and yes, they saw me leaning on my friend's shoulder, half asleep. They immediately scolded me for not answering my phone and demand to explain who I was with.

After explaining myself, one of them interrupted and asked "So are you ready to meet him?" I was shocked by this and again, I just laughed it off and told them to stop fooling around. But they explained that while the love songs were being played, he was supposed to confess to me, everybody had planned it already, but I was nowhere to be found, so the plan was completely ruined. Again, they described to me how he looked like and how he's dressed and at my peripheral vision, I can see him! I can see B matching every description and with a rose in his hands, smiling. What happened next was completely unexpected and left everyone puzzled. I looked at him and said, "Yeah right! Very funny guys! Good acting B! But I'm already tired. Let's go home" and to make things worse, I laughed so hard and turned my back on him. It left everyone speechless, obviously not the reaction they were hoping for. B stood there for a moment then grabbed my hand, he said that he was serious, but again, I just laughed. I was so confused, everything's happening so fast! I didn't know how to react and I didn't want to look vulnerable so the only way out, the only way I know and I'm good at is just laugh it off. Turned my back on him AGAIN and this time, I walked away. I walked fast not knowing where to go until I saw some of my friends, they were going to a coffee shop and I just got in the car, without saying anything to anyone and off we went. But eventually, someone told B where we were and before I knew it, he was already there. We talked, I think. He told me that he wasn't rushing anything, that he was willing to wait. But it's like I'm not hearing anything. I told him that I was tired and that I really wanted to sleep already, he told me he'll bring me to my dorm, but I resisted and told him I'll be sleeping at my friend's house, the one I was with earlier looking for water, but with some other girls as well. I saw disappointment and sadness in his eyes for the first time.

The rest of our junior year was pretty much the same. He'd try to pursue me but I'll push him away. But whatever I do, he's always there for me. I like him, no doubt about that. But I am just too scared to let him crash the wall that I've built. Also, most of my friends then already had a boyfriend/girlfriend so I became closer to my other friends. One of them was J. He became my outlet of frustrations, which made my friends and B very jealous of our closeness. They just couldn't understand how fragile I was then and that if any heartbreaking thing would happen to me again, I'd just breakdown. Things in our family are not getting any better. Issues about who's side I'm going to take are starting to surface but I ignored them all. My birthday and Christmas came like any ordinary day in our house. Without their knowledge, the teacher who was also a family friend talked to me. She asked me how I was and that she's worried about me, for I seem to be bottling everything up on my own, which is true. Right there, in front of this teacher I never really talked to before, I cried my heart out. I let everything out. I simply broke down. After that, I was okay again, not better but okay. No one knew anything about it until today as I write it all down.

FEBRUARY 2007. Valentine's day is just around the corner and my very cheesy teacher in Filipino was lecturing something about love. I was sitting in class but my thoughts were somewhere else. I was weighing the pro's and con's of living either with my mom or my dad. Yes, family matters went that far. With my mind floating somewhere, I didn't know that my teacher was already talking about me and B.. And since the seat next to me was vacant that time, he pulled B there to sit beside me. I snapped back to reality when I heard the whole class teasing us. Then when I turned, I saw B sitting next to me, wearing a shy smile. But I was such in a bad mood that I stood up and got out of the room. Such an insensitive move, I know, but I didn't realized it then. All through out the month I was pissed off. But on the 14th, my friends and B were again up to something. I didn't even realize what day it was! We were already dismissed for the day but for some reason, they made me stay longer and asked me to get something from our classroom. To my surprise, B was there, with a teddy bear, flower and 3 cute little cakes. Deep inside I was smiling my heart out, but on the outside, I still looked pissed. They insisted that I stay inside for they already anticipated that I'll walk out. He said something, but my mind was off to a distant place again. Then I asked, "can I go now?" I was indeed very rude to him. I know that now. Back to my dorm, I was a hot topic for everybody knew someone was courting me. I just looked at the cake, it says "Love you (my name) ♥" and remembered what someone told me, that if you don't like the guy, NEVER eat anything that he gives you, even if it's your favorite chocolate. I smiled at the thought, took a spoonful of that cake and let my dorm mates enjoy the rest of it, leaving me only with the container.

SENIOR YEAR (JUNE 2007). B was still there. I never told him this but I was indeed very grateful that he's still there. Whenever I remember some of his attempts to cheer me up, like his very sexy pole dancing in front of us girls under the influence of some energy drink (Lipovitan), holding my hands while in the cinema (yes, we went out some couple of times), and so many more, it never fails to make me smile. There were times that he'd invite me and my friends for a group study at his house. At first of course, I didn't join them, but after some time, I tagged along.

This year was also the toughest one for me yet but I found comfort in J. We both didn't know how but we became so close that we became best friends. We never talked about my family problems though, simply because I don't want to, but he was there with me, even if I'm just physically present and my mind's off somewhere again. And I appreciated him so much for that, for just quietly sitting next to me and letting me think. But one day, J was acting very weird. Although we always stay until curfew in our school, this time he asked me to stay and unlike his usual quiet self, this time he was asking about my plans. I told him about prom, that I want us to go together, since he was my best friend. Basically we ended up talking and planning the whole and last year in high school together. The following day he asked me to stay in school late again until it became a routine. Nothing romantic was involved, just pure friendship and this made me very happy indeed. Then one day, during our petty talks, he stopped me and blurted out that he's migrating to Australia in 2weeks time. That really caught me off guard and once again, I cried. He said that he wanted to tell me earlier but couldn't afford to see me cry so he just can't say it. For the 2 remaining weeks, we stayed in until curfew and even go out after. He didn't want to tell anyone else but me. But I told our friends and as expected everyone was shocked. I asked B to help me organize a farewell party and I was so glad that he helped me rent the party place in McDonald's for the party. He really is an awesome guy!

I was still not over J's leaving then another family problem surfaced. I accidentally learned of my other "siblings" just less than a week after he's gone. It's like J is protecting/shielding me from all the problem and that when he was gone, the cloak of protection also vanished. Once again, I kept it inside. I wanted to lock myself in my room but major exams are coming so I gathered up my courage and went to school. On my way, I saw this family, the father kissing his daughter as he drops her to school. Then I thought, why can't I have a normal family? I fought back the urge to cry until I reached our classroom. There, I quietly sat in the corner, feeling betrayed that my best friend left me just when I needed him the most. I wanted to talk to B, but he was surrounded by so many happy and laughing people that I cannot bear spoil it. I was desperately looking for someone to cry on. Then I decided to text my friend from the other section. I just told her that I need someone. She immediately rushed to our classroom not minding the teacher and the moment I saw her, I literally broke down. I was sobbing so hard I left everyone puzzled. The teacher had to leave the class to attend to me and eventually I was brought to the Guidance Office for counseling for the whole day!! Then few days after, I got a high fever while in class and was brought to the school clinic where I sobbed and slept. During those times, B was always there. He would offer me a lift home in their car even though he usually just rides a tricycle to and from our school. With what happened, I rebuilt the walls around me, this time even stronger. During one of those times when he would offer me a lift home, even though I can longer carry my own bag, I'd refuse B's offer, I wanted to show him that I'm not vulnerable, that I can handle myself even though my body says otherwise.

The following months have just flew by with no special memories. It was as if I am a soulless body, like a zombie--moving without thinking. I isolated myself from most things, even my friends. I selected a few people that I wanted to be around with. I learn to laugh even at the simplest things, and laugh at the most hurtful ones. I believe my parents never knew what I went through until now, as I said, I am a master of concealing my emotions. There were times that I wanted to say to B that I miss him, that I need a hug from him, but decided to just back out. It was so unfair of me to treat him like that, I know that but I can't open myself to him. Not yet at least.

JANUARY 2008. There was an exchange student program between our school and a university in Japan. My mom insisted and made all the arrangements for me to join the said program although at first I was not that thrilled. Then I learned that B suddenly joined the program as well. I was hiding my happiness when I found out that he wanted to join 'cause I'm joining. We were there for 3 weeks but we were not able to really talk. I was afraid. I've pushed him away so much that I believe the things I've done to him were unforgivable. The program was about to end when we went to a retreat house at the top of Mount Rokku. There, all the Filipino students, boys and girls, decided to sleep in one big room because it was so cold since it hasn't stopped snowing for days already. So we gathered all our futons and prepared bed. We played cards all night and as I was about to sleep, I looked for a spot and snugged myself in but B claimed that he was not yet sleepy so we all just went ahead. I was kind of a light sleeper so I heard him approach me. He held my hands while I was sleeping and placed it on his cheeks. At first I wanted to scream, but then I loved how warm and soft his hands were, and to be honest, I really missed him already so I let him be. For a long time, he just kept my hands on his cheeks then moved them to his chest. There I can feel his heartbeat. It was the first time I felt someone else's heartbeat and I believed it was beating for me. That night, I slept peacefully and happy. There was also a time when our other companions suddenly acted weird and wanted to take a picture with me, one by one. I was completely lost on what they were doing until they called B and asked us to take pictures, for we haven't really a picture together. They were so demanding that we hold hands in the picture, so I eventually just gave in to their requests. It was our first picture together. And when we returned to the Philippines, I discreetly asked for a copy of all the pictures in Japan, hoping to see that one picture of us. Unfortunately, I didn't find it. 

So when we returned, it was just days away from Prom!! I was both excited and sad for my best friend was no longer there, leaving me dateless. But B was there, he was actually so charming that night. When he offered me to dance, who am I to decline? It'll be our last dance anyway since we'll be going on our separate ways as college students.

B has always been there for me. I told him that I am not worthy of him, he is too good for me, but he won't agree and kept on insisting that he would still wait for me, even after college. And that I believed. But life, as I have mentioned, wasn't that nice to me. It's tricks were not yet over.


This post is quite long already. Let me just stop here and I'll update the rest soon... Or I'll just make a part 2 post of this, maybe.